Joy does not come from lavish excess or social posturing; it comes from the connections we create.
At the heart of Purim celebrations lies a simple yet profound act: giving food to others. But as with all acts of giving, mishloach manot is not as simple as it seems. This mitzvah, distinct from the requirement to give charity to the poor, presents an interesting social challenge: How do we give a package of food in a way that fosters joy rather than discomfort?
Giving “horizontally” is often more complicated than giving “vertically.” A gift that is too extravagant can leave the recipient feeling inadequate or pressured to reciprocate. A gift perceived as too modest can create disappointment. In this tension between giving and receiving, the wisdom of the Talmud offers deep insights, less about the technicalities of the mitzvah and more about the psychology of human relationships.
The Talmud (Megillah 7a) defines the mitzvah succinctly: One must send two portions of food to one friend and two gifts to two poor people.
The term manot (“portions”) is plural, requiring at least two portions of food. However, contrary to common practice, these portions do not need to have different blessings. They can be two identical portions of the same food or two different foods of the same type. Furthermore, while one must give charity to two different people, mishloach manot requires sending it to only one friend.
Despite the mitzvah’s relatively modest baseline, many people exchange dozens of food gifts with family, friends and neighbors—sometimes going well beyond the letter and possibly the spirit of the law. This raises the question: Is the mitzvah about the food itself or something deeper?
The Talmud (Megillah 7a-b) records a fascinating exchange between two sages, Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi and Rabbi Oshaya.
Rabbi HaNasi, a wealthy leader, sends Rabbi Oshaya a Purim gift of a leg of veal and a jug of wine, a generous and respectable gift. Yet Rabbi Oshaya responds sharply, “You have fulfilled the mitzvah of giving gifts to the poor.”
In other words, while the gift may have been appropriate for charity, it was inadequate as a gift between friends. Rabbi HaNasi, recognizing the rebuke, responds by sending an entire calf and a full barrel of wine. Only then does Rabbi Oshaya reply, “Now you have fulfilled the mitzvah of sending gifts one to another.”
This exchange highlights an uncomfortable truth: even among great sages is tension in giving and receiving. Rabbi Oshaya felt slighted by what he perceived as a minimal gesture. Rabbi HaNasi’s second, more generous gift was not about food; it was about repairing the relationship.
The next story in the Talmud adds another layer to this dynamic.
Rabba, the head of the Talmudic academy, sends mishloach manot to his colleague, Marei bar Mar, via his student Abaye. The gift? A sack of dates and a cup of roasted flour, hardly a lavish offering.
Abaye, keenly aware of social nuance, mutters: “Now Marei will say, ‘If a farmer becomes king, he still carries his basket on his back.’ ”
Abaye recognizes the problem. Now that Rabba has risen to a public leadership role, his gifts carry more weight. A humble gift that once might have been charming now feels inadequate. Marei bar Mar’s response is swift and pointed. He sends back a sack of ginger and a cup of long peppers—expensive, pungent, and clearly, a rebuke.
Once again, the Talmud reveals a truth we all recognize: The act of giving is never just about the object exchanged. It is about status, perception and the unspoken messages behind the gift.
The Talmud concludes with a final example. Abaye bar Avin and Rabbi Chanina bar Avin would exchange meals with each other. Unlike the earlier stories, this simple practice reflects the ideal: no competition, no social pressure—just a sincere exchange between equals. By feeding each other, they fulfilled both the mitzvah of mishloach manot and the obligation to have a festive meal.
Purim is a holiday of joy, and the Megillah instructs the Jewish people to mark it with “days of feasting and joy and sending portions to one another” (Esther 9:22). Joy, however, does not come from lavish excess or social posturing; it comes from the connections we create through the acts we do.
To truly fulfill the mitzvah, perhaps we must go beyond the food itself. We must give in a way that elevates others rather than making them feel small. We must receive with gratitude rather than judgment. Ultimately, we must see mishloach manot as an opportunity to strengthen bonds, share abundance and embrace the spirit of the day.
